Finding a Connection in Others

Connection So many times I am interested in somebody or something but am afraid to ask because I might be told to mind my own business.  When you are homeless the lives of others are fascinating.  I don’t want to pry into the lives of those around me and I’m not trying to be voyeuristic in any way shape or form.  People fascinate me because I wonder what they are doing wrong/right in this world that we live in that is allowing them to either succeed and/or fail at life.  I look at them and compare my own circumstances and choices that I have made to what they are currently doing.  Mind you, I am not judging, I am simply seeing whether or not what they do would work for me.  I approach relationships with this type of curiosity as well.  I know that a lot of homeless people do Read More …

On the edge of stability/instability

On the Edge It’s interesting when you’re on the edge of anything, but it’s especially interesting when you are on the edge of homelessness.  There are things that I feel that I can’t explain about my life right now, but I know that I have to try.  Everyday I wake up and ask myself, “is this the day that I’m going to lose my job?”  “Is this the day someone’s going to figure out who I really am?”  This is the thing that I struggle with.  I am always in the moment when I am working, but every once in a while, that nagging sense of reality kicks in.  I want to be stable in the worst way, but when it comes to stability, all I’ve ever had is failure.  I act what I think successful people act like, but I know in my heart that I really feel like Read More …

Just another day in a strange situation

Just Another Day This life is normal to me, I know what I have to do to survive, but that doesn’t mean that I like it.  In starting a new job you have to think about not about your situation but also about the feelings and ideas of others.  I have debated telling my employer that I am homeless but I don’t know how it will be taken and I also have to think about my reputation as a new employee.  If you start out by showing your problems, people are not going to want to deal with you after a while because they think that you come with too much baggage, I say this from experience.  It does not mean that I will never tell my employers about my situation, I just have to get to know them a little better. What I have learned from the past is Read More …

Moments to Remember – I’ve got a New Job!!!!!

Moments to Remember For all of the things that have gone wrong in the past year, things are finally looking up.  I have a new job!!!!  It’s a job that actually pays me what I’m worth and is built on respect and trust.  I have not worked in awhile so it is going to take some time for me to get back in the swing of things.  I think that I will begin the process of readying myself for tomorrow which is when this job probably starts. The logistics of a job and being homeless are going to be a challenge, but I am up to that challenge and I think it’s going to be a good thing.  I will have to do my hair the day before and take a shower in the early morning and go to bed early for this to work.  Logistics for anyone is always Read More …

Trying for perfection but achieving total imperfection

Perfection I tend to be an all or nothing type of gal, this is the way that I was raised.  If I wasn’t perfect I got smacked, kicked or belted, that’s just the way that it was.  I was raised to see what others needed and if I could get it for them.  I was raised to be in essence, perfect.  As I grew up I realized that I was about as imperfect as a person could be and that all my trying to please others, did nothing for me.  And that is where I am right now. I had a dream about where my life would go but that dream was based on someone else’s plan.  I was supposed to live out their dreams and be the perfect example of what a wonderful job they did in raising me.  I failed horribly at that task, I don’t think it Read More …

Addicted to Struggle as a Homeless Person

Struggle How can anyone be addicted to struggle?  How can it be that a person can actually want drama and chaos in their life?  Struggle can be something that is addictive because of its opposite – boredom.  When the boredom was overtaking me, I never realized what was happening to me, but now I understand.  Let me explain. As a homeless person there is so much struggle, everyday is a day to try and stay alive and there are tons of things to do in order to fix your situation.  There are appointments to keep, jobs to apply to, books to read for self-improvement, it can be as if you never have a moment of free time on your hands.  This trying to become a better person and live a better life can become addicting.  While I’m doing all of this self improvement, what happens when I get a job. Read More …

Forgiving Your Childhood

Childhood Childhood for homeless people is an ugly thing that usually was full of lots of abuse whether it be mental, physical, verbal or sexual.  Learning to let go of childhood and move on into the world of an adult is almost as hard as being homeless itself. My childhood was filled with abuse of every kind, whether it came from my mother hits and screams or my next door neighbors unwanted sexual advances.  When a person is raised this way they grow up with lots of hate and anger and that hate and anger override any other emotion. I was a very angry person, I didn’t really realize how angry I was.  I suffer from PTSD and I have moments when I flashback to something that happened twenty years ago, it’s hard to move forward when you are still stuck in the past. About 6 months ago I finally Read More …

Learning to Take Things With a Grain of Salt

Grain As a homeless person I have had to learn not to take things so seriously.  If you are going to succeed at being homeless, it means that you are going to have to take things with a grain of salt.  I’ve always been one to take myself and my situations with the attitude that the world is going to end if I don’t get help, lately I’ve been forced to adjust my attitudes. For example, to get into my current shelter took seven months, in the past I would have just said forget it and walked off, but now I have a little more patience and nowhere to go or no prospects, so I waited.  What I have learned from this is that you have to wait for everything, it’s like Ringo Starr says in “It Don’t Come Easy”, “Got to pay dues if you want to sing the Read More …

Phases

Phases Just as with everyone else there have been many phases in my life.  I have had phases where there was quiet and solitude and I was not homeless and I enjoyed myself.  I am lucky that I have had a reprieve in-between the madness and chaos that is homelessness.  I think of those times and how to get back to them now that I am homeless again. I consider the state that I am in only a phase.  I consider the phases in a person’s life to  be moments of a certain experience, whether it was that 20 year hitch that you had with your last job or the car accident that took all of 1 minute to wreck your life.  These are just moments in time that are either good, bad or indifferent.  The difference between the phase that I am going through and the phase of most other Read More …

Singing Out Loud

Sing I want to sing, for I just found out that I have been placed into a shelter that will give me up to a year to get myself together.  I have waited for over seven months for this opening to come available.  Having this shelter means that I can concentrate on finding a job, building my references and getting an apartment. The shelter that I was staying at before only left me with a 4 month stay, which can cause a person to begin to stabilize, but only partially.  At the time that I was staying at the homeless shelter with the 4 month stay, I wondered whether or not I should look for a full-time or part-time job, or whether I should look for a job at all. In not only looking for a job but having one, I needed a place to shower and put my clothes and I Read More …