Mistakes made again and again

Mistake In my journey as a homeless person I have made many mistakes but I think that I am on the road to recovery and a better life with the help of many people. It’s hard to admit to making mistakes and it is very hard to correct things when you don’t think that anything is wrong. In the shelter I see many women behaving in the same way that I was behaving and I have to resist saying anything to them because they are on their journey, the same way that I am on mine.  The only thing that I can do is try to be supportive and if they ask for my advice, give it.  No one ever asks for my advice.  It’s hard because you see people doing what you were doing and you desperately want to say something but you can’t, because to say something is Read More …

Needing Breathing Room

Breathing Room Everyday I wake up and I’m glad that yesterday was a good day and I hope that today will be too.  Living with over 50 women can make life a little tough and there is sometimes no room to escape.  We all need a little breathing room now and again and I feel that sometimes, for a strange reason, that I have too much breathing room. I’m not used to being in a situation that’s stable and so I wait for the other shoe to drop.  I feel as though something is going to happen, it will be bad, I just don’t know what it is.  When these thoughts come, I often panic and have to remind myself that things are going good and it’s just a phase that my mind is going through, it will be over soon.  The problem with having thoughts like that just happen Read More …

On the surface of things

Surface On the surface of things I think that I am doing ok.  I don’t seem to be coming across as stranger than anybody else and everything that they have asked me to do, I have been able to do without much assistance.  That’s on the surface, below the surface, I feel tense and want to scream.  I am very excited about having a new job, but I am always on the lookout for failure.  I feel that if I don’t do things perfectly they are going to toss me. I’m sure that everybody feels this way at one time or another it’s just that I feel this way everyday.  When I do accomplish something, I celebrate big time.  Right now I am happy because I am doing what I love to be doing even though it’s hard and at times frustrating.  I think of all of the other homeless Read More …

Moments to Remember – I’ve got a New Job!!!!!

Moments to Remember For all of the things that have gone wrong in the past year, things are finally looking up.  I have a new job!!!!  It’s a job that actually pays me what I’m worth and is built on respect and trust.  I have not worked in awhile so it is going to take some time for me to get back in the swing of things.  I think that I will begin the process of readying myself for tomorrow which is when this job probably starts. The logistics of a job and being homeless are going to be a challenge, but I am up to that challenge and I think it’s going to be a good thing.  I will have to do my hair the day before and take a shower in the early morning and go to bed early for this to work.  Logistics for anyone is always Read More …

Addicted to Struggle as a Homeless Person

Struggle How can anyone be addicted to struggle?  How can it be that a person can actually want drama and chaos in their life?  Struggle can be something that is addictive because of its opposite – boredom.  When the boredom was overtaking me, I never realized what was happening to me, but now I understand.  Let me explain. As a homeless person there is so much struggle, everyday is a day to try and stay alive and there are tons of things to do in order to fix your situation.  There are appointments to keep, jobs to apply to, books to read for self-improvement, it can be as if you never have a moment of free time on your hands.  This trying to become a better person and live a better life can become addicting.  While I’m doing all of this self improvement, what happens when I get a job. Read More …

The Waiting Room of Life

Waiting Room I feel as though there is a waiting room for life and we all have to wait our turn.  When we want something it has to be the right time and the right place or else it just does not go through.  As I sit waiting to hear about a job that can potentially change my life, I think of all the times that I have waited or have forced someone else to wait for me.  In waiting for others, it always seems as though the wait is longer, it just seems that whenever you are waiting on another person time crawls by at the speed of a snail’s life.  When others are waiting for you, the scene is totally different, there’s always more time. I have made people have to wait for me, wait for me to change my attitude, wait for me to get my situation Read More …

Homelessness and Mental Health as Embarrassing

Embarrassing To be homeless is a very embarrassing thing, because it comes across as having absolutely no control whatsoever of your personal situation.  That statement is true of course, to be homeless means that you have no control over your living situation.  What homelessness implies is that you not only don’t have control over where you live, but you also don’t have control over your self and that can be very embarrassing to explain to others. In the past I have always tried to hide my homelessness from employers both current at the time and would be for fear that they would judge me as unstable and in need of help of the psychiatric kind.  What was embarrassing was not my homelessness, but my mental health.  I tried every conceivable way to control the way I was seen on the outside, that way I would not have to deal with Read More …

Forgiving Your Childhood

Childhood Childhood for homeless people is an ugly thing that usually was full of lots of abuse whether it be mental, physical, verbal or sexual.  Learning to let go of childhood and move on into the world of an adult is almost as hard as being homeless itself. My childhood was filled with abuse of every kind, whether it came from my mother hits and screams or my next door neighbors unwanted sexual advances.  When a person is raised this way they grow up with lots of hate and anger and that hate and anger override any other emotion. I was a very angry person, I didn’t really realize how angry I was.  I suffer from PTSD and I have moments when I flashback to something that happened twenty years ago, it’s hard to move forward when you are still stuck in the past. About 6 months ago I finally Read More …

Phases

Phases Just as with everyone else there have been many phases in my life.  I have had phases where there was quiet and solitude and I was not homeless and I enjoyed myself.  I am lucky that I have had a reprieve in-between the madness and chaos that is homelessness.  I think of those times and how to get back to them now that I am homeless again. I consider the state that I am in only a phase.  I consider the phases in a person’s life to  be moments of a certain experience, whether it was that 20 year hitch that you had with your last job or the car accident that took all of 1 minute to wreck your life.  These are just moments in time that are either good, bad or indifferent.  The difference between the phase that I am going through and the phase of most other Read More …

Goals

I am about one month into my blog and that has me thinking about the goals I made while making this blog.  I have to be truthful though, I never made any.  I suppose that it would be a good thing to do now as I am finally at the point that I can begin a day-to-day journey with you, my readers on my condition and the overall condition of the homeless where I live.  So here they are, they like me, can change at anytime – hopefully for the better. Goals I will write whenever possible to let my readers know of my personal condition and how it is changing, for the better or for the worse. I will not come across as preachy, my intention is never to preach to others but to state that this is what my situation is and this is why I am going Read More …