Everyday I wake up and I’m glad that yesterday was a good day and I hope that today will be too. Living with over 50 women can make life a little tough and there is sometimes no room to escape. We all need a little breathing room now and again and I feel that sometimes, for a strange reason, that I have too much breathing room.
I’m not used to being in a situation that’s stable and so I wait for the other shoe to drop. I feel as though something is going to happen, it will be bad, I just don’t know what it is. When these thoughts come, I often panic and have to remind myself that things are going good and it’s just a phase that my mind is going through, it will be over soon. The problem with having thoughts like that just happen on a random occasion means that I still have to respond to the outside world as if nothing is going on and I’m not having a panic attack. That is when having some breathing room would really come in handy.
I say that I have too much breathing room because I believe that if I don’t have enough to do then my mind will wander and that will cause me to have panic attacks over non-issues. In my mind, it’s always good to stay busy and keep it occupied. Of course, you can’t keep your mind occupied 24 hours a day, that’s just not possible. I often wonder how many people have these problems but never discuss them, am I the only one?
I guess what it comes down to is being alone and being able to have your panic attacks be in private rather than with everybody watching. I’m still learning how to deal with them and how to act when they happen. I haven’t told my bosses that I have panic attacks, I just don’t know how it would be taken. Mental issues are a very touchy subject and many people have their biased opinions, so I always think it’s better to keep it to myself. When they do happen, I have some relief by repeating things to myself about everything being ok and breathing exercises, but I still have to deal with them and deal with the after effects.
I know that there are many homeless people who deal with mental issues and that is one of the main reasons that people are homeless. The brain is a complicated thing and there are many parts of it that people just don’t understand. I hope that my situation can bring enlightenment to someone that is going through the same troubles whether they are homeless or not. There is help out there, but you have to reach out. I spent many years denying that I had a problem and thinking that if I could just change my thinking pattern, everything would be alright, but it wasn’t and now I know why.
Whatever you are going through, just realize that someone has gone through it once before and you are not alone, I just realized that about 1 year ago.