On the edge of stability/instability

On the Edge

It’s interesting when you’re on the edge of anything, but it’s especially interesting when you are on the edge of homelessness.  There are things that I feel that I can’t explain about my life right now, but I know that I have to try.  Everyday I wake up and ask myself, “is this the day that I’m going to lose my job?”  “Is this the day someone’s going to figure out who I really am?”  This is the thing that I struggle with.  I am always in the moment when I am working, but every once in a while, that nagging sense of reality kicks in.  I want to be stable in the worst way, but when it comes to stability, all I’ve ever had is failure.  I act what I think successful people act like, but I know in my heart that I really feel like a fraud.

I wish that I could stop envying other people for what they have and what I don’t have and realize that there is more to life than what you own.  I wish that I could realize that if I stick to something long enough good things will happen.  I just don’t have a past where that has ever happened.  I suppose that I need to learn patience, but patience is a hard thing when you live with 35+ woman and you just can’t wait to get a place of your own.  I see myself in my own place with my own freedoms, I can taste it, but I just can’t touch it yet.  It will be another year before I’m able to touch it.  The day-to-day routines are the hardest; sleeping with and taking showers with over 35 people, you long for privacy.  The gossiping and cattiness of all the woman around me just makes me want to scream and run.  I stay to myself  a lot and try to distract myself however I can.  I think what I hate the most is having to tell someone when I am coming and going.  Don’t get me wrong, I totally appreciate the things that are being done for me, but I just crave something that I can’t have right now.  It’s like that itch that you have that you can’t scratch.  You feel that it’s there, but every time you think you have it, it moves a little to the left or right.  I’ve had problems in the past with moving out too quickly, gotta make sure I’m stable this time.

I’ve come to the point that I don’t make plans anymore, because you really can’t count on things going the way that you want them too.  I hope and I pray that things will turn out all right, but I just don’t know.  The most I can see myself planning is a week in advance.  I long to talk to anyone about my situation who is not a therapist/case manager, but I know that I can’t do that because of preconceived notions that people have.  So I keep to myself and talk about the little things, you know movies and such.  It’s hard when you are out there on your own and belong to a group of people who are mostly trivialized.

The thing that gets me the most is when people start talking about homeless people and I’m sitting there thinking to myself, have I got a story to tell you!!!  The feeling is that someone who well dressed and speaks like they have some education can’t possibly be homeless.  It’s during these monologues, that’s what I call them, that I realize just how people feel about my kind.  It makes me kind of sad, because I realize that they are talking about me and they don’t even know me, but I can’t answer back.  I feel two inches small when that happens and I have to realize that everything is a work in progress, and I am no different.

Well as the saying goes, “this too shall pass”, it’s just that it will take a year and in that time I’ll live my life on the edge of normalcy and utter craziness and just try to make my own little world in the meantime.

Jennifer

2 Replies to “On the edge of stability/instability”

  1. I think your writing is beautiful and you are a very kind soul.I am inspired by your strength and I truly hope you will never give up on your wishes of having the house of your dreams.Every little thing that you put up in mind can be achieved if you believe strongly and passionately in it.
    It may seem useless sometimes to hold onto something you haven’t got until now,but trust me,the best things come to those who put up a fight for what they want.
    Be positive and I am absolutely sure that God will bring in your way everything that you surely deserve and hope for.

  2. Why do you have to wait a whole year? I’m praying for you really hard. Please stay strong-you’ve got this! You can do this, you’re strong!! Don’t think the worst or you will wish it upon yourself. I know it’s SO easy to say, and who am I really to understand what you must be going through each day. But I try to, through your words here… And I shout to the page “go go go! Your day is coming” for you… Sending you hugs!

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