Making an apology is a very hard thing to do. We never mean to hurt, cause pain and deliberately cause suffering to someone but sometimes that’s what we do. I have caused pain to others in the form of my anxiety. In the past I have quit jobs, been snide and cruel and have generally been a pain in the ass. In order to become a better person, the past must be addressed and corrected.
In addressing the past, I was the way I was due to anxiety and depression, many of the things that I did came from a very dark place within me. I feel that I am coming out of that dark place but it is taking time and I am learning how to deal with the world and all of its complications. My past was one that was filled with abuse and a lot of negativity. The fact that I had a bad childhood does not excuse the way that I acted towards others, it is simply a statement of where I was coming from at the time. I was in a lot of pain emotionally and the last year of my life has been one of forgiveness, forgiving others and forgiving myself. In the act of forgiving I have learned that we are all human and that we are all imperfect. It’s ironic that in my attempt to be the perfect human being, I became the most imperfect thing ever to be seen. In my eyes, everything was normal, I was used to living in a world where chaos reigned supreme and every moment was full of drama. That was all that I knew. I remembered the hurt of the past but could not remember anything good about the past, my memories were clouded with hurt and anger.
In correcting the past and making a better future, I vow to work hard at forgiveness and to ensure that my darkness is behind me. I am trying hard not to live in the past, but to let the past be just that, the past. I am apologizing to everyone that I have worked with in the past and vowing that the person of the future will not be so high strung and unavailable. I want to enjoy and be in the present and I want to be available to those that need me. There are so many people that I have worked with in the past and they know who they are. I thank you for trying to understand me and trying to be there for me, I just could not accept that at that time, I wasn’t ready.
In closing, I look forward to making new friends, forgetting the past, having a normal life and being a person that can be counted on.