Mistakes made again and again

Mistake In my journey as a homeless person I have made many mistakes but I think that I am on the road to recovery and a better life with the help of many people. It’s hard to admit to making mistakes and it is very hard to correct things when you don’t think that anything is wrong. In the shelter I see many women behaving in the same way that I was behaving and I have to resist saying anything to them because they are on their journey, the same way that I am on mine.  The only thing that I can do is try to be supportive and if they ask for my advice, give it.  No one ever asks for my advice.  It’s hard because you see people doing what you were doing and you desperately want to say something but you can’t, because to say something is Read More …

What Does Sanctuary Mean to a Homeless Person

Sanctuary What does sanctuary mean to a homeless person?  I ask myself this question all the time, because technically I do have sanctuary from the storm.  I live in a shelter and I have walls around me that keep out the cold, wind, rain and snow.  But does that mean that I have a sanctuary or does that mean that I have a roof over my head?  Don’t get me wrong, anything beats the streets, I just yearn for something more at this time.  It’s like they always say, you always wish for what you don’t have?  In working my now full-time job I am thinking of what my permanent home will look like and how I will make it my own.  I think of the things that I will put up on the walls, the meals that I will cook and the people that I will invite over to Read More …

Needing Breathing Room

Breathing Room Everyday I wake up and I’m glad that yesterday was a good day and I hope that today will be too.  Living with over 50 women can make life a little tough and there is sometimes no room to escape.  We all need a little breathing room now and again and I feel that sometimes, for a strange reason, that I have too much breathing room. I’m not used to being in a situation that’s stable and so I wait for the other shoe to drop.  I feel as though something is going to happen, it will be bad, I just don’t know what it is.  When these thoughts come, I often panic and have to remind myself that things are going good and it’s just a phase that my mind is going through, it will be over soon.  The problem with having thoughts like that just happen Read More …

Youth and homelessness

Youth Youth and homelessness go together like cereal and milk.  When you’re young, you don’t mind sleeping on a mat, you’ll do it just to prove how bad-ass you are.  If you are homeless, it means that you are trying to make a point.  I know when I was young that’s how it was for me.  I would leave a shelter because I didn’t agree with the ethics of the place.  It didn’t matter to me that I had nowhere to go to, making a point was more important than my safety.  Now that I am older it seems that making a point is nowhere near as important as having a warm place to rest my head, I call it getting older. I see young people out on the streets, literally sleeping in doorways and out in the open and I think to myself, “You can do that know, but Read More …

On the surface of things

Surface On the surface of things I think that I am doing ok.  I don’t seem to be coming across as stranger than anybody else and everything that they have asked me to do, I have been able to do without much assistance.  That’s on the surface, below the surface, I feel tense and want to scream.  I am very excited about having a new job, but I am always on the lookout for failure.  I feel that if I don’t do things perfectly they are going to toss me. I’m sure that everybody feels this way at one time or another it’s just that I feel this way everyday.  When I do accomplish something, I celebrate big time.  Right now I am happy because I am doing what I love to be doing even though it’s hard and at times frustrating.  I think of all of the other homeless Read More …

Finding a Connection in Others

Connection So many times I am interested in somebody or something but am afraid to ask because I might be told to mind my own business.  When you are homeless the lives of others are fascinating.  I don’t want to pry into the lives of those around me and I’m not trying to be voyeuristic in any way shape or form.  People fascinate me because I wonder what they are doing wrong/right in this world that we live in that is allowing them to either succeed and/or fail at life.  I look at them and compare my own circumstances and choices that I have made to what they are currently doing.  Mind you, I am not judging, I am simply seeing whether or not what they do would work for me.  I approach relationships with this type of curiosity as well.  I know that a lot of homeless people do Read More …

On the edge of stability/instability

On the Edge It’s interesting when you’re on the edge of anything, but it’s especially interesting when you are on the edge of homelessness.  There are things that I feel that I can’t explain about my life right now, but I know that I have to try.  Everyday I wake up and ask myself, “is this the day that I’m going to lose my job?”  “Is this the day someone’s going to figure out who I really am?”  This is the thing that I struggle with.  I am always in the moment when I am working, but every once in a while, that nagging sense of reality kicks in.  I want to be stable in the worst way, but when it comes to stability, all I’ve ever had is failure.  I act what I think successful people act like, but I know in my heart that I really feel like Read More …

Just another day in a strange situation

Just Another Day This life is normal to me, I know what I have to do to survive, but that doesn’t mean that I like it.  In starting a new job you have to think about not about your situation but also about the feelings and ideas of others.  I have debated telling my employer that I am homeless but I don’t know how it will be taken and I also have to think about my reputation as a new employee.  If you start out by showing your problems, people are not going to want to deal with you after a while because they think that you come with too much baggage, I say this from experience.  It does not mean that I will never tell my employers about my situation, I just have to get to know them a little better. What I have learned from the past is Read More …

Moments to Remember – I’ve got a New Job!!!!!

Moments to Remember For all of the things that have gone wrong in the past year, things are finally looking up.  I have a new job!!!!  It’s a job that actually pays me what I’m worth and is built on respect and trust.  I have not worked in awhile so it is going to take some time for me to get back in the swing of things.  I think that I will begin the process of readying myself for tomorrow which is when this job probably starts. The logistics of a job and being homeless are going to be a challenge, but I am up to that challenge and I think it’s going to be a good thing.  I will have to do my hair the day before and take a shower in the early morning and go to bed early for this to work.  Logistics for anyone is always Read More …

Trying for perfection but achieving total imperfection

Perfection I tend to be an all or nothing type of gal, this is the way that I was raised.  If I wasn’t perfect I got smacked, kicked or belted, that’s just the way that it was.  I was raised to see what others needed and if I could get it for them.  I was raised to be in essence, perfect.  As I grew up I realized that I was about as imperfect as a person could be and that all my trying to please others, did nothing for me.  And that is where I am right now. I had a dream about where my life would go but that dream was based on someone else’s plan.  I was supposed to live out their dreams and be the perfect example of what a wonderful job they did in raising me.  I failed horribly at that task, I don’t think it Read More …